The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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