I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
