Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
