T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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