did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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