I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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