i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
