i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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