"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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