I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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