I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
