Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
