Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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