I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I deserve this hangover.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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