I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
