So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
