Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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