i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
