she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
