Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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