I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
