if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
