Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
