what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Text me some of your sweat
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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