Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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