I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
