The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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