Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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