why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
