You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
