I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
