Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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