I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
barbara walters just said penis...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
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I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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