Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
