dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
