I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She bit a glass in half.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
