also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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