A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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