I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
