Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
