I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
