I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
