dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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