i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
