his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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