I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
