he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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