is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
