New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
