No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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