During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
