I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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