id be glad to
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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