I wish I could teleport
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
