dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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