He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
