...so i touched it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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