you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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