We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
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The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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