I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
